The Skills Coach: Want feedback? Ask for it

By Lori Berman

Most people think of feedback as something you give (often with reluctance) or as something you get (often with anxiety). But one of the most powerful and overlooked professional skills is learning how to ask for feedback.

Why does this matter? Because waiting passively for feedback often means not getting any at all. I’ve heard many law partners say, “If I don’t give associates feedback, they should assume they’re doing fine.” But I’ve also heard partners say, “That associate didn’t get feedback – and in hindsight, he really needed it.”

So, why wait and hope that you’ll get feedback? Ask. You may think you’re working for a partner whose philosophy is, “No news is good news” when you’re actually working for one whose philosophy is, “I’ll just fix it myself” or, “I’ll avoid this associate in the future.” And keep in mind that although it’s easy (and tempting!) to tack on a quick “let me know if you have any feedback” in an email, those requests often get ignored.

Whenever possible, ask in person, over Zoom, or by phone. Real-time conversations tend to yield more thoughtful, useful feedback. Just be thoughtful about your timing. Ideally, ask for feedback when the other person isn’t rushing or distracted, and has a moment to reflect.

In my last column, I offered tips on giving feedback. Here are tips on asking for it.

1. Ask small, specific questions

Asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” often gets a polite “No, you’re good” or, “I’ll think about it,” and then you never hear back. Instead, try asking a question that’s more specific:

• “Is there something I could have done better on that client call?”
• “Is there something I should do differently next time I write a memo for you?”
• “If you were me, what would you do differently on the next assignment?”
• “What parts of the draft could be clearer, more effective, or better phrased?”
• “I noticed you changed xx on the draft I wrote for you. Can you walk me through your reasoning so that I understand for next time?”

A focused question makes it easier for others to respond and signals that you’re open to learning. If they seem busy, you can always add, “No rush – feel free to think about it and let me know.”

2. Say thank you, even if it stings

Feedback can be surprising, difficult to hear, or simply uncomfortable. Resist the urge to explain or defend! Say, “Thank you – that’s very helpful.” You can ask clarifying questions to better understand the feedback. And, you don’t have to agree with every suggestion. But showing appreciation will open the door for future feedback. Defensiveness, on the other hand, shuts the door.

3. Act on the feedback

If you don’t act on feedback, people may stop offering it. They might assume you didn’t value their input or, worse, that you don’t have the capacity to grow. Even small adjustments show that you’re listening.

If you actively decide not to take a suggestion, acknowledge it: “Thank you for the comments on the draft structure. I didn’t have time for a full overhaul this round, but I’ll try your approach in the next version.”

4. Make it routine

Don’t wait for annual reviews or post-mortems. Ask for feedback regularly, in the flow of everyday work. The more often feedback is exchanged, the less emotional weight it carries, the more time you have to course correct, and the more people see it as a normal part of professional growth.

5. The higher you rise, the less you hear

The more senior you become, the greater the impact of your decisions. And, paradoxically, the less feedback you typically receive. People may hesitate to speak candidly or assume you don’t want input. That’s risky. Without feedback, blind spots grow unchecked.

If you’re a partner or in a leadership role, consider actively asking for feedback and modeling curiosity. It shows that growth doesn’t stop because you get more senior, and that asking for feedback is a strength, not a weakness.

Final thought

Getting no feedback is like driving without mirrors—you’ll move, but your blind spots could cause a crash. By asking for input, responding thoughtfully, and acting on what you hear, you’ll accelerate your growth. Plus, as I pointed out in my last column, asking for feedback can actually reduce anxiety for both the giver and the requester. And let’s be honest: We could all use a little less anxiety these days.

 

Lori Berman, Ph.D., is an organizational psychologist and Vice President of Learning at Legal Innovators, a talent management solution for law firms and corporate legal departments. She is co-author of Accelerating Lawyer Success: How to Make Partner, Stay Healthy, and Flourish in a Law Firm. Reach her at [email protected].