The Skills Coach: IQ got you here. EQ will take you there

By Lori Berman

Most lawyers got where they are by being smart. Rigorous. Analytical. Precise. Sound like you? Good, because those qualities matter.

But look around you: Everyone is smart. In a firm full of high achievers, being the smartest person in the room is not enough.

Research shows that EQ – the emotional quotient, the measure of emotional intelligence – is a key predictor of leadership effectiveness. The legal profession is no exception. Those who flourish over time aren’t just technically strong – they’re self-aware, composed under pressure, and skilled at reading and responding to others.

EQ is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and to respond effectively to the emotions of others. While it sounds soft, it isn’t.

I first encountered emotional intelligence early in my career as a management consultant at the Hay Group. Those ideas changed how I understood professional success. I had focused on skills and effort; EQ forced me to see how emotions shape nearly every professional interaction.

The good news? Unlike IQ, which is relatively stable, emotional intelligence can be developed.

Here’s where to start.

1. Self-awareness – and your blind spots

Self-awareness is the foundation of EQ. It means recognizing your emotional patterns – what triggers you, how you come across, and how your reactions affect others.

I’ve talked with partners who believed they were supportive mentors. But when I spoke with their associates, a different picture emerged. Associates felt intimidated and hesitant to ask questions. The partners had no idea.

That’s a blind spot. And in a law firm, blind spots carry real costs for morale, retention, and reputation. In today’s market, associates who feel disposable don’t quietly tolerate it. They leave – and they tell others why.

At the Hay Group, I participated in a 360-degree feedback process. The gap between how I saw myself and how others experienced me was humbling … and incredibly useful.

A practical starting point: After a difficult interaction, ask yourself, “What was I feeling, and how did it show up in my behavior?” Better yet, ask someone you trust for candid input. The gap between how we see ourselves and how others experience us is often where the most important growth lives.

2. Manage your reactions – especially under pressure

Lawyers operate in high-stakes environments: Tight deadlines, demanding clients, internal conflict. Under pressure, emotions can hijack judgment in ways that damage relationships and reputations.

Managing your reactions doesn’t mean suppressing emotion. It means not being ruled by it.

When you feel yourself getting reactive – in a tense negotiation, a frustrating team meeting, or a critical email exchange – pause. Ask yourself: “What will be the impact of the response I’m about to give – on this relationship, this room, this moment?”

The lawyers who earn trust aren’t the ones who never feel frustration. They’re the ones who don’t fire off the sharp email, withdraw into silence, or snap at a colleague when under pressure. Because, over time, those small moments compound, as do their consequences.

3. Know how others experience you

I’ve seen senior associates – technically excellent, detail-oriented, strong writers – quietly stall when it came time for partnership promotion because decision-makers weren’t confident putting them in front of clients or trusting them to lead teams.

They came across as hard to connect to, or slightly misaligned in high-stakes interpersonal moments. No one told them directly. And because no one told them, they couldn’t correct it.

That’s an EQ problem. And at that level, it’s a career-defining one.

Clients don’t just want legal expertise. They want judgment, steadiness, and someone who makes them feel understood. That requires self-awareness and the ability to read and respond to another person in real time. They want EQ.

If you’re not sure how others experience you, ask! It takes courage. It’s also one of the highest-return investments you can make in your career.

4. Read the room

Social awareness is the ability to read the dynamics of a situation.

I worked with a bright associate who built relationships quickly but overshared personal details beyond what colleagues were sharing. Her intentions were good. Her calibration was off. Partners worried she would overshare or misjudge boundaries in client meetings – and quietly left her out of them.

Reading the room means noticing how others respond to you – and adjusting. It means asking: Is this the right moment? The right audience? How is this landing?

It also means understanding hierarchy and context. What works in a peer conversation might land very differently in a meeting with partners or clients. Knowing when to contribute, when to hold back, and how your words will carry in a room where perception matters is not instinctive for everyone; but it is learnable.

Your turn

Law school trained your intellect. It likely didn’t train you to understand how you show up emotionally or how others experience you.

Learning about emotional intelligence changed how I see myself and how I see (really see) other people. It changed how I listen, how I lead, and how I handle difficult moments.

Consider what it might change for you. In a profession full of smart people, self-awareness is often the quiet differentiator between those who advance and those who wonder why they didn’t.

Today, pick one upcoming interaction – a meeting, a call, a difficult email – and before it happens, ask yourself one question: “How do I want to show up in this moment?” That pause, practiced consistently, is where emotional intelligence begins.

 

Lori Berman, Ph.D., is an organizational psychologist and Vice President of Learning at Legal Innovators, a talent management solution for law firms and corporate legal departments. She is co-author of Accelerating Lawyer Success: How to Make Partner, Stay Healthy, and Flourish in a Law Firm. Reach her at [email protected].